Connecting to Ourselves & Others

Connecting to Ourselves & Others

Nicole VanZuidam, MA, LMFT

Junction Therapy

It is not that often someone else says to us, “try harder,” but often a message we say to ourselves. Most would agree that we are our own worst critics. One of the most transformative ideas in Aundi Kolber’s book, Try Softer, is deceptively simple: mindfulness begins with noticing — noticing without judgment. Instead of reacting, fixing, or criticizing what we observe inside ourselves, it is important we learn to notice or become familiar with what is going on inside of ourselves. This posture of compassionate awareness is the opposite of the harsh self‑criticism many of us carry, and it is often the missing ingredient in our attempts to grow, heal, or care for others.

We are constantly assessing the world around us, the people around us, ourselves, and the things we do. This is commonly through a lens of criticism. We critique what could be better, what we don’t care for, and what is not appealing to us. It can take more of a conscious effort to notice the things we do like or the positive aspects — of ourselves, our emotions, others, or a situation. When we practice noticing with neutrality and compassion, our brains begin to change. Research shows that when a part of the brain is used consistently, the gray matter in that region increases. Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and other areas responsible for emotional regulation, empathy, and resilience. Over time, what once felt difficult becomes more natural. This may be why mindfulness is associated with reduced stress, decreased chronic pain, improved emotional regulation, and increased compassion and curiosity.

Unfortunately, for many people, noticing our inward process feels uncomfortable — even wrong. Somewhere along the way, we may have absorbed the message that paying attention to our own needs is selfish. So we swing to the opposite extreme, becoming hyper‑attuned to the needs, moods, and expectations of everyone around us while ignoring our own. On the surface, this looks noble and selfless, but the longterm result is much more harmful than we realize. 

When we white‑knuckle our way through life, constantly scanning our surroundings and suppressing our own emotions, our nervous system pays the price. Anxiety, dread, burnout, emotional dysregulation, and even physical pain often follow. It is not selfish to notice what is happening inside of us. Not only is it human, it is necessary.

Paying attention to our inner world is not self‑indulgent — it is an act of honoring the God who created us. Scripture tells us we are image bearers, known in the womb, temples of the Holy Spirit, members of a royal priesthood, and deeply beloved. Paul’s instruction “not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought” (Romans 12:3) is not a command to ignore ourselves. It is an invitation to see ourselves truthfully — with humility, yes, but also with dignity. When we acknowledge our needs honestly, and attempt to view ourselves through the lense our Father sees us through, we are thinking of ourselves exactly as we “ought.”

The beautiful paradox of this: when we are connected to ourselves, we can connect more fully with others. If we are not familiar with our own emotional needs and process, how can we expect to have the skill sets and familiarity with emotions required to care well for those around us? Dr. Daniel Siegel describes “resonance circuits” as brain pathways that allow us to sense and attune to the internal experiences of another person. The insula helps us notice what is happening in our own bodies, then communicates that information to the prefrontal cortex, which helps us understand and respond with empathy. Yet another affirmation of our design for relationship. When we are present to ourselves and more familiar with our own process, we are better able to “map” what someone else is feeling. This is part of how God designed us to carry one another’s burdens, offer comfort to those who are hurting, as well as share joys and emotion with one another.

Mindfulness, then, is not a self‑focused escape. It is a way of honoring God’s design for our bodies, our emotions, our relationships, and our God‑given worth so that we can live with greater compassion, presence, and connection.

Pause. Notice. Breathe. Take time to respond instead of react. 

Let your awareness rest on what is true inside of you and around you without judgment. In this way, you are honoring the life God placed within you and from that grounded place, you will be far more able to love others well while also loving and caring for yourself.