Belonging

Danica Zomer, CSW-PIP

Belonging

There’s a popular children’s book entitled, “Are You My Mother?” by P.D. Eastman, where a mother bird leaves her nest in search of food and while she is gone the egg hatches. The baby bird then begins his own search for his mother. He asks other animals and objects if they are his mother but they all say no, and some do him the courtesy of clarifying that he is a bird and they are not. The bird determines he does not belong to any of these things. Luckily, he makes his way back to his nest and his mother reappears. In this moment the baby bird knows connection and belonging. He now understands that he is a bird and says to his mother, “you are a bird, and you are my mother!”

Belonging is one of those things that’s hard to define. We tend to think of things like fitting in and seeking approval when we try to define belonging. But those things can actually get in the way of true belonging. Fitting in is our attempt to assess a situation and become who we need to be in order to be accepted in that moment. When we think back to the story, if the baby bird were trying to fit it, it may have started barking like a dog or digging in the ground like the big “snort”. Fitting in is not the same as belonging.

Belonging is an innate human need, and therefore we seek it all throughout life. Fitting in is an attempt at belonging. Some of us are really good at fitting in. We can adapt and change to whatever is needed in order to be accepted. We can read the room and quickly determine who we need to be and adjust accordingly. And some of us get so good at this that we may even forget who we truly are. Fitting means you’re changing who you are; belonging means you’re being who you are.

There’s a level of vulnerability with belongingness because of self-acceptance. We have to know who we are, and accept all parts of our story, in order to then know where we belong. Brene Brown is a research professor who speaks to what belonging is by stating, “…true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” Self-acceptance starts when we begin to show ourselves love and compassion. Thinking of love as an action can be helpful step in the direction of self-acceptance. How can you show yourself love? How can you practice loving yourself?

It’s easier to just fit in; to change yourself and be who you think others want you to be in order to be included. But it’s not what we truly need. The journey toward belonging can be hard work. Learning to show yourself love can be hard work. Owning your story, even the parts you try to distance yourself from, is hard work. But the reward is great. The reward is a life of love and belonging; and a belief that you are worthy of that love and belonging.

The baby bird from the story, didn’t try to fit in. He continued searching for his mother and along the way he learned who he was. In the end, he finally knew belonging because he accepted who he was and was embraced for it. He sees his mother and he instantly knows the connection. We only belong when we offer our authentic selves and we are embraced for who we are.

Counseling can be a safe place to work towards self-acceptance and belonging and explore what is holding you back from those things.